Some thoughts on Father's Day

OK, technically its no longer Sunday, in fact it's 4:00 Monday morning, I meant to write this earlier when it was still Father's Day, but I am working the graveyard at Red Cross and the activity has not allowed me to reflect until now. In some ways, all the better, I have always believed there is no greater time for reflection than the time as dawn approaches.

Now of course I know that Father's Day is one of those made up "holidays" designed to sell ties and gadgets as Valentines Day is designed to sell chocolate and underwear (or chocolate underwear I suppose) but that does not mean it is "made up" in a philosophical or spiritual sense. Hence then a few comments for those with or without fathers of any kind.

First topic is that closest to my heart, those with fathers who are no longer living. Obviously, that fact makes the concept of this day a little harder but also brings some unique prospectives and thoughts. I tend to think these thoughts probably have some merits whether you lost your father when he was young or old or when you were young or old. Grief has similarities no matter the specifics because no matter how you are or how old your father is or was, whether you were or are "Daddy's little girl" or one of his beloved "boys," I believe we never lose that part of us that hopes and believes that "Daddy can make anything better," Unfortunately that need or belief does not does not go away even after one's Father passes away, so I guess in the end I direct most of the comments of this sort to those who have lost father's recently, because I've been there and most importantly, I am still here.

When my Dad first died, I remember one of the thoughts that I had the most often and that terrified me the most was "what if my memories fade?, how can I survive a future when all I have to preserve my Dad is a past," The bad news is memories do fade, but they fade only in some ways. Naturally the who, what, when, where and why of all memories fade over time. The good news is, the spirit of memory never fades. Your Dad will reappear in you in ways that you could never think of. This of course will happen even if your father is still alive, but I believe that once your father passes on, it sneaks up on you in more subtle ways and often just at the right time. You will incorporate their quirks and phrases into yourself, for better and worse. Most interestingly, while some memories fade, others reappear in a sense. For once I don't mean this in any sort of Freudian repression sense, rather that they just pop up, usually little things you haven't thought about in years and recall again for no reason at all. I can tell you even with my Dad gone for nearly 8 years this still happens to me from time to time. At first this will bring tears but eventually I assure you it will bring chuckles and smiles (even if your eyes still water a bit)

Lastly, there will always remain moments that will bring you right back to the past. Although I have thus far kept away from my own personal memories (one because they are private, and two I have to maintain my emotions to write this) but I will share my own personal experience with this.

When we were younger we used to often play around the corner with the neighborhood kids like a lot of you did. Uniquely when my dad decided it was getting too dark and or we needed come home for dinner or whatever, he wouldn't call the neighbors. simply he would walk out to our front deck, put two fingers in his mouth and whistle. We heard that we wrapped up whatever game we were playing and headed back around the corner. It didn't mean we were in trouble (if that were the case he would have showed up in person with teeth clenched and eyes glaring, very effective I tell you), this was just a signal, his signal, our signal. Folks, to this day wherever I am, if I here that two fingered type whistle, I turn my head, it almost becomes instinct, an unconscious tribute of sorts, this example is supported by both my sisters, they both have the same reaction.

In the end, if you've lost your father recently, I quote Dr. Viktor Frankel from his book Man's Search for Meaning (a fantastic book on grief and survival), where he warns against "constructing monuments to your grief", I second this but instead encourage you to construct monuments to your memories, they are all you have and most importantly will always belong to you and alone.

For whose who still have your fathers in your lives, don't worry this won't just be a long way to say "to hell with you lucky bastards", rather personal thoughts on how I believe you can have the best relationship with your father (and other family members for that matter) For one, remember they are not perfect and naturally not all memories or times with your father can or will be positive, same for me, same for everybody.

Fact is part of the job of parenting is that no matter how hard they try your parents are gonna screw you up. In a movie I watched a couple days ago this was summed up with the line "...This is life, not heaven, you don't have to be perfect". Many people try their best to do the right thing but the trick is to remember that at times, the best we can give is going to be nowhere near 100 percent. The point of all this is to take the good with the bad, when it comes to Dad try to cherish the whole package best you can. Try your best to forgive and don't forget to remind him how thankful you are when he gets it right.

For better and worse, one family is all you get, save your energy for the real arguments. Family feuds and breakdowns are all too common but probably even more commonly avoidable. Avoid unnecessary regrets, they bring you nothing but a sense of premature loss. I have no idea if any of what I say is truly universal but I can tell you the last 4 words I ever said my father were "I love you Dad," so I like to think we did something right

Lastly I turn to those among us who never knew their fathers, or were abandoned, or abused by them. First things, first, you owe these men nothing aside from maybe a little card saying "Thanks for the sperm, but next time go fuck yourself,". Admiration and respect is earned not granted. The important thing to remember is although you may lack a true "dad, pretty much everyone has a man in their life that they admire and has imparted wisdom on them (by the way of course I know there plenty of mothers and women that fit this bill in our lives, by given it's fathers day I use the male examples for that reason only). Focus on these men, if they know how important they are to you, call and wish them a Happy Fathers Day or just to say thanks. If they don't know how much they mean to you, find the courage and way to tell them, chances are you'll be pleasantly surprised by the reaction. Remember that family should not always be defined by blood and blood alone. A father may share your blood, but a true "dad" shares your life. And even if on days like this if you still feel alone, take comfort in my belief that no one ever walks alone because, if I may mix metaphors, in the end, we are all passengers on the same ship and, trust me, none of us quite knows where it's going.

In love and May God Bless You Always