I'm just not that into you

For most of my life I have been both praised and criticized for being "old fashioned", and this undoubtedly will be again one of those times.

I hate technology. Now relax, I'm not implying I am a few mail bombs and a coffin size cabin away from old Teddy K (admittedly I don't remember how to spell his last name nor do I care to look it up), no he was just wacky, plus he went to Harvard, fuck Harvard.

What I mean more specifically is how crazy this Internet connectedness shit has gotten. Specifically this goddamn twitter thing. Admittedly I don't completely understand it and concede there are probably a few good uses for it, but really to me it just shows how the culture of self importance has gotten to pathological levels. Celebrity wise. why do I care to know that Aston Kutcher just scratched his ass or that Plaxico Burress has finally learned how to properly carry an illegal fire arm (yes I am a Giants fan, yes I am still bitter).

However if there anything worse than knowing the menial stuff celebrities are doing, it's you believing I or anyone else cares about the menial shit you are doing. If you have done something important, lets say deliver a baby while blindfolded during a traffic jam, then yes I will be impressed and most likely read about it in the paper, but if all you care for me to know that you are watching the latest episode of CSI while eating and Ben & Jerry's quite honestly I think you should jam the spoon up your ass, one because that's what you deserve and two, I'd sign up to read posts like that.

From where I sit, I'm just not that into you, and more importantly if I am friend of yours, I hopefully would learn about the happenings in your life, gee I don't know, through conversation, remember those?

To continue the indictment lets move on to youtube. Now given I have watched and laughed at my share of youtube knuckleheads, I know there is some contradiction in my rant but I warned there would be. Point is I laugh mostly due to the notion that said knuckleheads picked up the camera because they believed sincerely that whatever they were about to do was necessary for the world to see, and this my friends signals the stupefaction of modern society. Trust me, if you are a first semester film student and/or some burn out about to light a fart on fire, you're not in the world moving category.

Secondly, some of these "techno-dicks" (a phrase borrowed from my comedic hero Mr. Carlin) in my opinion are down right criminal. That's right I'm talking to you Mr. "David goes to the dentist guy", while funny as hell, you are also an asshole and a shitty parent. After I stopped laughing at the aforementioned video, I was profoundly disturbed by the notion that this idiot took the camera because he knew now was a good a time as ever to get good shots of a five year old tweaking. I'll tell you what pal, I'll be over in a minute to film David castrating you with a toy sand shovel. Now that's entertainment and I'm sure little Dave would get a few yucks out of it.

Lastly is facebook, truthfully I have little negative to say about fb because well it is one of the mediums I use for these posts and two I kind of get a kick out of being "friended" by people I haven't seen or thought about in 15 years. What gets me about facebook is that everyone is on it. Both of my grandmother's are on it. Folks I love my grandmothers but something about that scares the shit out of me, limited profiles or not. God forbid one of them gets cute and or confused and before you know it ole Grams wants to know "What sex position are you"

Conversely, my mother, who is by no means dumb, barely knows how to send an e-mail (she prefers I do it first so she can just reply, "It's easier that way Sonny") and can't be bothered to have saving cell numbers or texting explained to her. I take true comfort in that for now because the first time my mom texts me I will most likely involuntarily shit my pants.

Lastly, so as to not seem as though I am completely unintrigued by the possibilities of technology, I do think Twitter in particular has a place in this world, in the hands of U.S. Correctional inmates: Imagine a few possibilities:

Charles Manson: the Beach Boys still won't reply to my letters, I swear I have written some good songs in here

Khalid Sheik Mohammad: Man they should call this stuff "water boring", same shit different day (side note: while I tend to be quite liberal on the torture controversy, that motherfucker planned 9/11, do with him as you please black ops)

John Hinckley: Watching Taxi Driver again, gets better every time

New Inmate 032: Cellmate says pig tails "work on me"

Inmate 472: Dropped the soap again, SON OF A BITCH!


That's it for now, until next time

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