While my grip on reality and bankroll continue to dwindle, I have survived by writing little gems like this or on the Patron Saint of all unemployed film buffs...Netflix. That's right, when I realized there is only a certain amount of booze one can drink before it causes health and legal problems, I entered into a monogamous relationship with my little red envelopes (well if you wanna get technical, most of them come from the online device I have that allows me to watch them directly on my TV, but fuck off because the sentence worked better with "little red envelopes,"). For several weeks now I have lived a life reminiscent of Howard Hughes as seen in "The Aviator" (well if Howard Hughes had been broke)...Sitting in my apartment with the lights off, watching films....naked.
It's not just films, I also delve into TV shows when it suits my mood. When I am not fantasizing about actually being one of my TV heroes like Don Draper or Hank Moody, I am trying to catch up on the 5th Season of Lost before the new one begins.
My marathon naked movies sessions have not been completely counter productive however. For one I have now accrued knowledge of enough movies lines to never have to utter an original sentences ever again. Second, it has allowed to me forge a solution to my money and employment problems. Porn. You see during one of my recent my film sessions I re-watched Paul Thomas Anderson's "Boogie Nights"... and at some point when I got "Motorin" out of my head it hit me: whether the economy is good or bad, people will continue to do two things: Get fucked up and get fucked. I can't mix a drink for shit so that leaves the sex business. At first I thought about prostituting myself or starring in porn myself, but I quickly realized that would likely lead to nationwide outbreaks of hysterical blindness so I have decided to stick to my truer talent; the written word. Think about it, somebody's gottta write those things, why not me? How hard can it be? Observe
WARNING THE FOLLOWING SCENE CONTAINS SEXUAL CONTENT... ALBEIT FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES. IF YOU FIND SUCH THINGS OFFENSIVE.......STOP READING
Miami Ice
Scene opens on a beach house in Miami, the camera spans through the front door to reveal the lady of the house sitting in the kitchen she is fanning herself with Oriental style fan, she is wearing a robe but it is open to reveal her body
Woman: Ughhh I hate Miami in the Summer.......it's soooooooo Hoooooooot, I wish I had some way to cool down
The woman eyes the refrigerator on the other side of the room, suddenly her face seems to suggest she has an idea, she glides over the refrigerator seductively, she hits the button on the door and two ice cubes fall into her hands, she giggles, leans back against the table and begins to rub the Ice on her nipples
This continues for 12-14 minutes (various moans are uttered)
Suddenly the ice cubes fall from her chest to the floor breaking into many small pieces
Woman: Uh Nooooo (she pouts and sighs deeply)
The Woman again hits the button on the fridge, nothing happens, she presses it repeatedly, still nothing, the she opens the ice compartment, it is empty
Woman: Oh dammit, I just filled this thing...it must be broken I should call a repair man
She returns to the table and flips open to a phone book, various explicit ads for escort services are visible, after a moment she finds what she is looking for and dials her cell phone
Voice on Phone: Big Dick's Refrigerator and Heating Repair
Woman (flustered and breathless): Hello, my Ice Machine is broken, I need you to send someone right away, I am so very hot
Voice on Phone: Certainly Ma'am I'll send my biggest err I mean best man over immediately
The scene returns to the outside of the home. A repair van pulls up to the house. A very muscular repair man steps from the van and walks toward the door. various long tools hang from his belt. Before he can knock on the door, it opens
Woman: Oh my goodness, I'm sooo glad to see you
Cut to the repair man standing in front of the fridge looking inside tinkering
Repair Man: Well it would appear that either your pipes need to be cleaned or you even need to a new pump, if that's the case it is expensive
Repair man closes the fridge as he says this. As the door closes, the woman is seen behind the door, her robe has again fallen to reveal her breasts
Woman: Oh Dear oh much will it cost me?
Repair Man (Staring at her breasts): Well I suppose I could give you a pump for free,
The two lock eyes intensely, various sex acts take place through the house
Scene
See that wasn't so hard (ha unintentional pun). That right there (once you factor in position changes) is like 47 minutes of a skin picture. It may not all that original but it's just off the top of my head. Like it matter's anyway. In the end I'm not broke anymore and plenty of other people have relieved some tension.
Dare I say it's.......Gold
See you at the AVN awards kids....and remember that's what she said
