Fear and Loathing...and online dating

Lets face it, everybody wants to be loved. True, I do have one close friend who blissfully lives his life devoid of most meaningful human contact, and while at times I think he may actually be some kind of perverted genius, I think we can all agree, he's not normal. Normal in this case, is wanting to be loved romantically.

Platonic friends are fine but the truth is you can reach a point where you begin to think that Plato and his theories on love and friendship are the work of an asshole who likes to fuck with people's minds and bodies.

In the end all of us on some level desire someone we can feel close to and, as an added bonus, have sex with from time to time. The problem lies in finding the proper setting for human contact to accomplish this goal. If you are anything like me: perpetually searching but in the process get shot down shot down more often than a blind fighter pilot, you probably have tried any number of different things. In my case, the latest adventure in finding a way to flip Plato off is the purgatory of online dating.

First off, I know what some of you are thinking, " I know someone who found someone online" or "What about all the happy people on the TV ads" Well those bastards have got to be actors because nobody that is goddamn happy. I grant you however that it probably works for some, in fact I know at least one couple that met online headed for marriage, but for the rest of us it either becomes an exercise in frustration or a way to figure out just how good or bad of a liar you are.

A couple months back a filled out a profile on an online dating website for the third time (because it has to be the website, not me right?, RIGHT?). Now you may be saying "wow good for you, way to be proactive and take advantage of technology,", save your applause folks, cause this shit is the final frontier, the wild west of dating.

For one, it's expensive, you have to pay like 40 bones a month just so some computer algorithm can "attempt" to find a match for you. Shit that's money up front even before you have to put in the effort of the dates themselves. Not only does that reak of extortion but If I were to take the bus down to 42nd Street and look for a similar arrangement, rather than looking for a website, I'd be looking for a pimp. Whats worse is on sites like the one I am currently affiliated with (which by the way will remain nameless to both increase the intrigue and to keep me from getting sued), the prospect of clicking that big red happy "Look for New Matches" button is no guarantee. Sometimes you'll get a lovely message saying politely something like "the matching process is complicated and requires patience, we are unable to provide new matches for you at this time, please check back tomorrow or when you become a more interesting person," OK so it doesn't say that last part, but if the implied message there doesn't leave you looking for a warm bath and a razor blade I don't know what will.

The problem I think lies in the difficulty of creating the profile itself. In my experience, no matter how creative you try to be, you only present as one of two things: Boring or insane. Allow me to illustrate. If you are still reading this and perhaps have even chuckled a few times you understand that a lot of my humor lies in sarcasm and mock outrage. The problem is those don't always translate properly in written words. If that is the case, I am saddled with the boring vs. insane dilemma.

Take for example the question "What 3 things are on your nightstand?" The truth (and what I wrote): A lamp, remote, a Bible, honest but boring. If I was going for a humorous answer I might try something like: A can of whipped cream, a framed photo of Ronald Reagan, and a Bible. Even if you do see the humor in such an answer, there will still be that lingering creepy feeling. Sometimes the problem is that the truth is stranger than fiction. Again for example lets use the question "Describe a book you recently enjoyed," My answer: blank. Those of you who know me a bit are probably wondering why I'd leave that blank given that I read all the time. The reason is that, given my interests in terrorism and forensic psychology, the truth would sound something like," I recently enjoyed selections from Kraft-Ebbing's landmark work "Psychopathia Sexualis" which rounded out my understanding of the concepts put forth in Schlesinger's work entitled "Sexual Murder" Yeah that's date material, you'd prob instead be concerned I would use your skin to make a shade for that lamp on my nightstand (next to the Bible don't forget). The truth is people in wheelchairs make terrible rapists or murders but it would be tough to include that qualifier, after all I wouldn't want people to judge my disability.

The difficulty with creating a profile runs even simpler than that, in fact it starts with putting a picture on your profile. Now of course they say you don't have to include a picture but the fact is, even if you're not overly concerned with vanity, your probably not going to show much interest in a profile sans photo. Once again if you are like me and lack a camera with which to regularly take photos, you are left with having to select something from a facebook profile or the like. Now I know I'm not unique when a say that in the vast majority of my facebook photos I am 1) under the strong influence of alcohol (most often in form of Jagermeister) or 2) striking some goofball pose that was funny in context or just for the hell of it. Once again your options are limited to either cropping the shit out of something (through which it is often easy to expose an attempt to hide insanity) or taking a photo for the purpose of a profile picture (which is again just boring)

The final hurdle in this gauntlet of compatibility are those pesky lifestyle questions. By this I mean questions involving your smoking or drinking habits. This is a clear lose-lose section of the profile especially because there are no ways to qualify the "truth" If asked if I smoke I would answer "when I drink, if I'm really stressed out or depressed, when I'm really happy or excited, if it's a nice day outside, or if it's Tuesday" Given my options on the survey that becomes "every once and a while," The drinking bit is even harder, in this particular survey your options (with my translations following) are "not at all" (you're boring or a liar), "every once and a while" (admitting you have a problem is the first step) or "several times a week," (rehab is for quitters), I'd say that leaves a helluva of gray area no? I was left with no choice but to choose "several times a week" and truthfully this makes me uncomfortable not because it's not true but because I don't like revealing my potential for substance abuse so early in the relationship process. I would have much preferred the option to state something to the effect of "I'm Irish and German, honey, draw your own conclusions".

Seeing as it is often my MO to suggest improvement to things rather than to merely rant about them, I will close with a brief discussion of a few categories I believe should be mandatory on these online dating surveys. I suggest adding categories that encompass "Major Psychological Diagnosis", "Other Substance Use" and "Criminal History," Naturally this would clear up a good deal of muddy water. If a person says they do not drink at all but use heroin recreationally, that becomes a valuable piece of information. If someone reports themselves as being schizophrenic then you will be less confused if they begin to talk to themselves. Lastly if someone has a repeated history of drunk and disorderly conduct you know you will be in for a fun night.

Some may say the inclusion of such information would encompass an undue intrusion into personal privacy or civil liberties, but the truth is, this is dating and this is America and if we don't put ourselves out there: the terrorists will have won